It's somewhat hard to believe that it has been over three long years that we have waited and prayed for a child. I remember when this trial first started taking place that I would always look to the future and think.."Maybe next year at this time we will have a child etc.". I was always picking myself up and wrapping myself up in hope. I have never felt like it was mandatory for Jesus to give us a child. I haven't approached God with demands and time lines, but I have approached him with deep deep sadness. Sadness that probably shows on my face. I have often walked into church wondering if people could see the emptiness inside of me. Over the last few months I just don't hide it anymore. I can't help but be grateful at the outpouring of love I have felt from my opportunities to be real. I have friends in the faith that send me messages and emails and notes and speak truth into my life. Sometimes those nuggets of encouragement and truth allow me to walk into the next day.
I guess my focus lately has been accepting the bitter truth of where I am spiritually. I have never been here in this place in my walk with God and I don't want to stay. I know where I am and its not where I want to be. I have had a few conversations this week with some people I dearly love. One of them being my husband. He confronted me about where I was headed emotionally with my sad heart. I wasn't upset with the fact that he had concerns, but I was upset with the fact that they were true.
Our dear friend Joe is teaching our Sunday School class this month, and he is doing an amazing job. He has spoken a lot of truth to us. We are currently reading Philippians and the verse above struck a cord with me. Not only are we to know God and believe on him, but we are to suffer for him. I wish I was that girl that was on pregnancy number 3 or 4. I have always wanted a big family. God knows me and he knows my dreams and desires. He knew I would be here in this very time in my life. I can't help but wonder what he is up to. He has full control and he is the giver of life. For some reason he has allowed this suffering to be present in our lives.
I am so grateful that God can see the big picture as to why. I so want to Trust Him because He is deserving of it. I have walked myself to a lonely place instead of walking towards Him. I guess this post is an outpouring of my cry to be on higher ground and out of this pit I have been living in. I am thankful for James 4:8 tonight.
Love to you,
Karen
6 comments:
One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6. "Don't worry about anthing; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."
It's so hard sometimes, but I love that He reminds me to pray instead of worry. I love you, my friend!
I pray for you every night too. I know how it feels to wonder why your life is not going as planned. I often find myself wondering "why is this happening to me?". But I too have to remind myself God has a purpose. A bigger plan than what we can understand. He knows the whole story. Of all people who should have a baby it is you and Bryan. I keep praying and believeing and I know God will come through for us.
Love you friend
Karen I want to share my favorite song with you. It encourages me every time I hear it and God has laid it on my heart to share it with you.
Here are the lyrics:
God you know my heart.
I've laid it down before you.
God you know my deep desire.
How I only want to honor you.
And I know that you've got the desire of my heart
And you've got it set apart
And you know the better thing
And I've simply got to trust that if you choose not to give me what I want
You'll give me something better.
I hope this song brings you as much encouragement as it does me. The name of the song is Better by Lauren McCuistion. She isn't a real known artist but you may be able to find her on itunes. You're in my prayers!!
Everyone-thanks for the encouragement and prayers. I thank God for you!
Amanda-I found the song and I love it! I have already listened to it several times. What a wonderful song. It made me happy. Thank you for the encouragement! Bless you!
Karen,
Kimala has mentioned your blog to me several times and told me I should check it out. I have been sitting here reading your posts for the past 30 minutes and I just felt compelled to let you know that I love you!! You are one of those genuine, real people that are so rare in our world today. You always have a smile and kind word for everyone you encounter. God has done an awesome work in you and Brian's lives..you are a blessing to us and many others, even if we don't take the time to voice it! To read of your pain makes my heart grieve for you. I can't pretend to understand, but I can tell you that God is certainly using you during this season of your life. Through your life and your new occupation, you are touching many, many lives and sharing your love with lots of God's children :) You guys are in my prayers....Love you both!
Shelly
Shelly,
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate you so much!
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