"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him." Philippians 1:29
It's somewhat hard to believe that it has been over three long years that we have waited and prayed for a child. I remember when this trial first started taking place that I would always look to the future and think.."Maybe next year at this time we will have a child etc.". I was always picking myself up and wrapping myself up in hope. I have never felt like it was mandatory for Jesus to give us a child. I haven't approached God with demands and time lines, but I have approached him with deep deep sadness. Sadness that probably shows on my face. I have often walked into church wondering if people could see the emptiness inside of me. Over the last few months I just don't hide it anymore. I can't help but be grateful at the outpouring of love I have felt from my opportunities to be real. I have friends in the faith that send me messages and emails and notes and speak truth into my life. Sometimes those nuggets of encouragement and truth allow me to walk into the next day.
I guess my focus lately has been accepting the bitter truth of where I am spiritually. I have never been here in this place in my walk with God and I don't want to stay. I know where I am and its not where I want to be. I have had a few conversations this week with some people I dearly love. One of them being my husband. He confronted me about where I was headed emotionally with my sad heart. I wasn't upset with the fact that he had concerns, but I was upset with the fact that they were true.
Our dear friend Joe is teaching our Sunday School class this month, and he is doing an amazing job. He has spoken a lot of truth to us. We are currently reading Philippians and the verse above struck a cord with me. Not only are we to know God and believe on him, but we are to suffer for him. I wish I was that girl that was on pregnancy number 3 or 4. I have always wanted a big family. God knows me and he knows my dreams and desires. He knew I would be here in this very time in my life. I can't help but wonder what he is up to. He has full control and he is the giver of life. For some reason he has allowed this suffering to be present in our lives.
I am so grateful that God can see the big picture as to why. I so want to Trust Him because He is deserving of it. I have walked myself to a lonely place instead of walking towards Him. I guess this post is an outpouring of my cry to be on higher ground and out of this pit I have been living in. I am thankful for James 4:8 tonight.
Love to you,